Wednesday, September 22, 2010 . 6:29 PM

Sitting here now in the YIH study room, struggling not to fall asleep while studying.

Everything is so depressing. Everyday I wake up not wanting to get out of bed, getting to hospital, feeling completely outclassed by everyone in tutorials, and if I'm unlucky enough to be selected for OSCE, get completely ridiculed by the tutor and laughed at by my classmates for being so damn stupid. When it comes to explaining something, even when I explain it right, people don't believe me until someone supports me. I keep feeling discounted, like my opinion doesn't matter, like people are already assuming that I'm wrong even before I open my mouth to explain myself. When it comes to presenting cases, even when the tutor comments that I did well, people will dispute what I said (despite the tutor already agreeing with me) and "educate" me on how I should have done this or that better. When I finally get through the day experiencing one or all of this or living through the fear of experiencing them, I drive home, then to school because I can't study at home, and then struggle to stay focused and awake while studying and asking myself what all this is for.

Even now in the study room, I just took a table that was unoccupied, then this girl sitting adjacent to me (who was occupying her whole table too, by the way), comes back to her table, after God knows how long she left it, with a guy and they both look at me like I'm taking up his space, even though it was empty to begin with. Why do I feel apologetic even though I KNOW I'm not in the wrong here?

I hate this. Why is it that everywhere I go, I feel like I'm being judged? Why do I feel that every single thing I do, someone is watching me, waiting for me to slip up? Why is it that I'm unable to say the right things, or I fear saying the wrong things when I'm talking to people? Why am I so damn stupid?

I think I've got some sort of social anxiety disorder.

The worst part is, I've got no one to talk to. All of you reading this (and I don't think there'll be anyone) will probably think this is a cry for help, but I'm only writing this here because I have no one to let this out to. The last guy who asked me how I was asked me that about a week ago all the way from the USA. So you can see how devoid of listening ears I have.

I guess if people don't give a shit about me, I shouldn't really give a shit about them. I suppose they have many other more worthwhile friends in their lives, people who are more worth their time and energy.

Sometimes I wish life could be simpler. Sometimes I wish I had not chosen such a steep path where I'm so obviously punching above my weight class. Sometimes I wish I could just not give a damn that no one gives a shit about me. Sometimes I just with it could just all end.

I'm so damn tired of this. So tired of everything.