Sunday, February 07, 2010 . 2:47 PM
Damn It.
It's very hard to argue your point when you're arguing it against people who have not experienced the feeling before, yet feel a need to impose their will upon you and give you answers that basically demean you and say "You're not dedicated enough" when they have not lived the experience before and understood it.
It's also damn hard to argue a point when you have a judgmental person sitting at the table keeping silent and knowing that in her mind all negative thoughts will spring up to add to the already negative thoughts she has of you as a person. Yeah, I'm not as good as her, I'll admit that. I'm not as dedicated, smart, or hardworking. I'm not even f***ing happy with my life.
Sure, I'm not good enough at the art. I thought I was of a certain standard, but so many "more dedicated" people have sprung up, raised the bar, and put me into submission. You know what the word "demoralized" means? Why bother competing just to prove a point? When you have lost your passion, you have lost your passion. 7+ years of experience will count for nothing here. People just want to see how big and how powerful your equipment is, and how much jargon you can spout out without understanding a bit of it. What starts out as fun and leisure is then turned into a competition of "I'm better than you" or "I'm richer than you so I have more powerful stuff than you, ergo I'm better than you". I'm sick of that.
You don't understand that. You won't even let me argue that. If I had wanted to become a professional in the art, I wouldn't be studying my ass off for this bloody medical degree, getting scolded or insulted by docs from time to time and being shunned and ostracized by people in my faculty for not being able to fit in.
I'm not a genius or an overachiever that so many other people in medicine are. There are only so many things that I can do with my life.
Screw it. No one will understand the situation I'm in now regarding this, and they'll all just assume I'm bitter and being negative about everything. No. Nobody understands me.
I don't think any of you reading this will care either.
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