Saturday, January 09, 2010 . 2:30 AM

Wow.

Just. Wow.

I really have nothing else to say. It's been a long time since I've been emo.

Two themes that have been working through my mind in the past few weeks... Hope, and friendships.

You know what's the worst feeling you can get in the whole world? It's not anger, jealousy or disappointment, although the latter comes closest. It's hope.

Why hope? Because it sets you up for a fall. Whenever you hope for something to happen, the way this world works, chances are that's not going to happen. Why so? Looking at it logically, if the chances are really good that something is about to happen, you wouldn't be hoping for it to happen, rather accepting that it would occur. So hope is essentially something that you use to encourage you to carry on against the odds.

More often than not, if you have some basic skill in probability, you'll probably realize that the odds will work against you. The hope then becomes disappointment, rejection, embarrassment.

They say pride comes before a fall. Hope sets you up for it.

I'm a simple kind of guy. I work hard (well, not really), I play hard, I go after what I want. I mean, who doesn't? But I'm not a secure kind of guy. I need some assurance. I need affirmation that I'm doing something right. I need confirmation from a higher authority that I'm doing a good job. I don't like to commit when I don't know what's going to happen if I do or if I don't. I'm overly cautious in that way. I don't like to take leaps of faith because then hope comes into play.

So when there are no signs, or ambiguous signs then... There's nothing left for me to carry on, you know? When there are negative signs then well... What's the point, then? Why bother?

I don't know. They say some things are worth fighting for, but I don't want to be fighting a losing battle. I'd want to place my money on the horse most likely to win the race.

After reading all that was posted in the past week then well... I guess they were all open to interpretation, but whatever they meant I'm willing to bet that they were all negative signs.

What do you do when someone you hold in such high regard doesn't even see you? Doesn't even remember you. There's really no point in continuing, is there? I mean. Maybe I shouldn't even watch the movie next week anymore. It'll be like flogging a dead horse.

How many friends do I have in this world? I really don't know. I mean, friendships have to work two ways, don't they? It gets very tiring when it's always just you contacting the other person to chat or to hang out. Then who contacts you? Who asks you to go hang out? Who remembers you?

I don't know. I don't want to complain about those who are willing to hang out with me but it kind of makes me wonder.

I'm very blessed that Jon Teo is still contacting me way over in the US. But it kind of sucks that your closest friend is the one furthest away from you. That the one who sends you a Christmas card and calls you over the phone to chat is way over in USA (Bless you, Jon).

Yeah you might say that a true friend will not demand anything else from his friends and that I'm a bloody hypocrite for treating my friends like commodities and seeking gains for what effort I put into a friendship, but I'm only human. I'm sure you all do that same thing, so don't give me that shit. I gets really, damn, tiring that it always seems like I'm the one sustaining the link between me and someone I treasure, but the feeling doesn't seem to be mutual.

So, why bother?

I really need to play some football. Damn.

And now something that probably will advise me on what to do with everything in my life.


Yeah, just give it up.

"You'll Never Walk Alone"

Archangel