Sunday, December 27, 2009 . 4:46 PM

Should I? Or should I not? To say it would be to put everything at risk. To not would slowly eat away at myself inside.

Let's look at it objectively, shall we? If I WERE to broach the subject, one of two, maybe three things will happen: one of them possibly the best thing that can happen to me in this immediate future, one of them totally disastrous... The last being not so disastrous but it will fester like a chronic illness till the whole thing dies.

If I WERE to broach the subject, it'd be totally for my own personal gain. By "gain" I don't mean happiness or material gain, I mean the gain of knowledge. It could work either way in that case, but I still get something out of it. Therefore it would be a totally selfish action to do, as it will not bring any benefit to any other parties involved, maybe it would make things worse for them too.

Now let's look at it from the other angle. If I WEREN'T going to do anything... Everything remains status quo. We'll be good, everything will be great (at least on the surface). I will not have my answer, but hey, I can live by assumptions (seems like I've been doing that all my life anyway) just to maintain what I have now. It was hell for a long time, I've most recently got out of it, and I don't think I deserve to ask for anything more than that. PLUS the fact that everything CAN bomb and go to hell if I go with the first option, means I probably won't take the risk of broaching the subject. I would not look for an answer selfishly, but that also means I will not take the risk on the off-chance that something great will happen to me.

I don't know what the hell to do.

If SJ hadn't been sick and we had gone for that dinner and movie, maybe he could've advised me on what to do but as of now, aw hell. I guess I have to live with my inner demons indefinitely. Better that one guy suffers than many other people.

Or you could look at it another way and just call me a coward.

"You'll Never Walk Alone"

Archangel